Seems like everybody wants to get fit in the new year. Skip the lines at the gym. It’s not worth fighting Nancy from the PTA for the good elliptical machine or trying to get through the traffic in time for Shelly’s Zumba at three.
While we may not be a bunch of personal trainers over here at VinePair, we know our wine. So we figured, why not kill two birds with one stone and get physical while enjoying some vino? After all, 2016 is all about efficiency!
The Uncork
It’s best to start small when changing your lifestyle. Thankfully, this exercise is something we’re all already familiar with. Simply grab your waiter’s corkscrew and a bottle of wine. Make sure you take advantage of the resistance of those tighter corks to really get your upper body strength going. Repeat until the case of wine you bought yesterday is gone.
The Pour
Something a little bit more intermediate in terms of difficulty. The pour requires precision and skill of holding the bottle steady and firm at a 33 degree angle. Though it may seem simple, a proper pour means the person must smoothly increase the angle of the bottle to allow seamless delivery of vino. This act not only keeps your wine flowing smoothly from its holding cell, but also gives you fine definition in your upper arms. You’ll be looking like Jessica Biel in no time.
The Sip
Pro tip: the more full your glass is, the better results you will receive with this exercise. The drink involves raising your glass to your mouth for a sip of beautiful wine. It may seem like all fun and games, but after a few glasses, this exercise can really wear you down. It’s an easy one to do on a night out, and there’s instant gratification with a grape-fueled reward. You earned it.
The Double Fist
This one’s designed specifically for those who have mastered The Sip. The double fist might cause you to break a sweat because of the double trouble pour you’re dealing with here. Double the weight in your hands with two glasses full of vino, double the gains you shall receive. Not to mention that you’re able to always have another glass of wine on deck ready for your workout. Seriously, you can’t lose.
The Box Trot
Finally, some cardio for the pepperoni pizza I ate in a dark room while binging Jessica Jones. The Box Trot requires two boxes of wine, a sweatband, and a will to run for your wine. After you’ve laced up those running shoes you got this holiday season, grab those two boxes of wine you’ve stored in the fridge for post-work meltdowns (don’t worry, we’re not opening these yet) and start jogging. As you make your way down the street lift the box in your left hand first, and then slowly bring it down as you alternate with your right. If dumbbells are anything, they’re dumb. By using boxes of wine instead on this trot, not only can you can have a party as you and your friends jog down the road but you can you sip some vino if you get tired while going by yourself. Yay for independence.
The Wine Fridge Lunge
Sure, we’ve done a lot of upper body workouts so far, but now it’s time to get those legs toned and strong. The Wine Fridge Lunge is the perfect exercise for this mission. Approach your wine refrigerator, bend with your knees to squat down, kick out one leg, and find the exact bottle of vino for your evening. You’re going to want to rinse and repeat here, by squatting down and snatching as many bottles of wine as you can until you feel the burn. Oh look, all of those bottles are out. Guess we have to drink them now.
The “Oh Boy” Sip
Not only are you enhancing your upper body strength, but you’re maintaining great range of motion with your sarcastic eye roll. Because of the instantaneous reaction to the nonsense spewed from someone’s mouth, this is a very swift exercise that will most likely be repeated throughout the evening. Here’s to getting your daily fitness goals in during one meal with your uncle who went to the Trump Rally…
The “My Mother Is Here” Chug
A true test of endurance, this exercise is not about who can drink the fastest, but who can hang the longest. Your mother is “just visiting” for the weekend, but her snark, glares and backhanded compliments stay forever. In your silence and soft-smile head nods, make this the opportunity to get your workout in for the day. The chug is all about consuming your whole glass of wine in one pull. Think of it like lifting a weight except this also tests your lung capacity and your ability to drink this much Malbec in one sip.
The Real Housewife Fling
We don’t recommend this under normal circumstances, but if you’ve already mastered the rest of the exercises it’s time for you to understand the dark arts of wine exercising. If this exercise was in the Star Wars universe, it would be force lightning. This workout maneuver manages to spray your enemies with wine in one quick motion. It’s truly a task of the bad guys. The key to the Real Housewife Fling is having maximum control in your wrist to ensure maximum damage to everyone’s clothes, hair, fake legs, and your dignity.
