Thanksgiving is great because the entire holiday revolves around eating, drinking and being happy about all the cool things you have in life (like friends, family, drinking out of straws). However, just like most family gatherings, you cannot have your pumpkin pie and eat it too — Thanksgiving comes with a catch.
The personalities at your Thanksgiving table have been waiting for months to ask you all the tough questions. You know, the super personal ones about your love life, your career and that one time you were living with the shell-artist who refused to shower. Yeah, those wonderful conversation topics.
But this year is going to be different. This year, you’re going to put Aunt Sharon in her place because you’re an adult and whether or not you’re drowning in student loan debt is none of her damn business. Obviously, you’re going to need some wine to get you through this, and we came prepared with the perfect pairings (and snarky comebacks) to each invasive investigation your family members have to offer.
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“Why don’t you visit more?”
VinePair Intensity Rating:
The Wine: A Grenache brighter than the fake smile you’re going to flash at your relatives when you walk in the door.
The Comeback: “I’m poor, I have no vacation time and you live 2,000 miles away.”
“What is with your generation and all of these ridiculous fashion trends?”
VinePair Intensity Rating:
The Wine: Chilled Pinot Grigio that is as zippy and tart as your grandmother’s tone.
The Comeback: “Gram, you and I both know you don’t want me to pull the receipts of what you looked like in the ‘80s.”
“You know, your cousin just graduated from [whatever obnoxious university] with honors.”
VinePair Intensity Rating:
The Wine: A fine Bordeaux that your cousin probably got after receiving the MF Nobel Prize for basket weaving.
The Comeback: “Let’s not compare everyone’s lives right now because I’ve seen Nicole’s Snapchat story with my own eyes and I know for a fact there is NOTHING honorable about her collegiate activities.”
“I’m a vegetarian now and I cannot tolerate how this turkey was treated.”
VinePair Intensity Rating:
The Wine: A grassy Sauvignon Blanc.
The Comeback: “How neat. Pass the green beans.”
“Where are my grandchildren?”
VinePair Intensity Rating:
The Wine: The fuel of all of mother’s horrifically backhanded questions — a full-bodied Chardonnay.
The Comeback: “I’m not even responsible enough to remember to buy groceries, do you really expect me to bring an infant into this world???”
“How long have you and [current significant other] been together? Are there wedding bells in the future.”
VinePair Intensity Rating:
The Wine: Pinot Noir to represent a familial love so passionate and deep that it just makes you want to burst into drunk wine tears.
The Comeback: “As if there weren’t enough pressure involved in bringing my new significant other to this wonderful family gathering, now I’m being questioned about when we’re going to tie the stupid knot. You don’t see me asking Uncle Tim how his third divorce is going?”
“So, do you like have a real job yet?”
VinePair Intensity Rating:
The Wine: Biodynamic red blend that is just as misunderstood as my liberal-arts degree is.
The Comeback: “Yes, I have a job that pays me money. If by ‘real job’ you mean chipping away at my soul every day as I sit in a cubicle crying into a stale bagel — no, I don’t have a real job.”
“Is it just me or is the turkey a little dry?”
VinePair Intensity Rating:
The Wine: An extremely juicy Rioja because something needs to compensate for how overdone everything is.
The Comeback: “Thanks for the notice, Sharon. If it bothers you so much, please stop torturing yourself and don’t fucking eat it. *Sips wine*”
“How is [former significant other] doing? They were such a catch!”
VinePair Intensity Rating:
The Wine: Something fortified because you’re going to want those higher percentages for obvious reasons.
The Comeback: “Oh, yeah. They died. Suuuuuuper tragic. Really sensitive about it so … who wants pie?”
“Can’t you get an internship that’s paid?”
VinePair Intensity Rating:
The Wine: That Merlot you got at the gas station because you’re broke AF.
The Comeback: “I’m just going to start this ~great~ conversation with ‘that’s generally not how this all works.’ Now, I’m going to finish this by walking into the kitchen to enjoy my jug of wine in peace.”
“When was the last time you even went to church?”
VinePair Intensity Rating:
The Wine: Whatever you can get your hands on. Splash some holy water on your face while you’re at it.
The Comeback: “Let’s just cut to the chase where you tell me how many Hail Marys I’m going to need to do to make peace or whatever.”
“Remember when [Relative A] and [Relative B] got in that huge fight that they’re both still a little angry about?”
VinePair Intensity Rating:
The Wine: A bold Zinfandel to get your mind off the cafeteria food fight that’s about to occur in front of you.
The Comeback: “What’s the point of the holidays if you don’t sprinkle salt on the wounds of your family’s yesteryear? I’m going to go check to make sure the oven is off.”
“I paid off all of my student loans when I graduated. I don’t know what the big deal is with all these whiny millennials.”
VinePair Intensity Rating:
The Wine: Gamay for it’s light fruitiness, which is super agreeable, but also for its left-field banana flavors. Kind of like the give-and-take nature of these backhanded compliments.
The Comeback: “Well, Uncle Pat, life was a lot simpler when I could B.S. a business degree like you did back in the ‘80s, but now my tuition has a bigger price tag than your Mercedes. So yeah, let’s move on from this convo like I’m about to move onto the next bottle of Gamay.”
“I can show you how to make the perfect pie crust so you don’t have to use a frozen one next year. It’s a little extra effort but SO WORTH IT.”
VinePair Intensity Rating:
The Wine: Only the most pristine Champagne can do this hot mess of a family gathering justice.
The Comeback: “Wow, I didn’t know Ina Garten was gracing us with her presence this Thanksgiving. It would be in your best interest to leave my pecan pie alone because I’m five glasses deep into this Riesling and I will cut a bitch. So please, Aunt Cheryl, just shut your piehole.”
“You should’ve gotten out of that business deal YEARS AGO.”
VinePair Intensity Rating:
The Wine: Syrah that’s heavy like the vase that’s about to fly across the room.
The Comeback: “You know what makes me super thankful this Thanksgiving? I am thankful for the fact that we can all live our own lives and not deal with ridiculous commentary by parties who are not involved.”
“Who did you vote for?”
VinePair Intensity Rating:
The Wine: Who wants tequila???
The Comeback: “Ooh, look at the time, we better hit the road before all of the traffic. Thanks for hosting!”
